Thursday, May 12, 2005


I visited "Ain't It Cool News" to see what Harry Knowles had to say about Revenge Of The Sith. It was an interesting post, but what I found amazing was the 448 posts in response (yeah, it took awhile to count them all!)

I didn't read every one, but what can really be said about a review to a movie not even witnessed yet? I thought about a snarky Blog post, blasting these "knee jerk" reactions. But their existence seems to be ironic/sad on its own.

I thought about if I went back in time to my school in 1977, pre-Star Wars. It would be an assembly in the gym, with the all the students sitting on the bleachers (roughly similar to Harry's 448). I would deliver a speech in front of them, explaining that I've seen a movie they're about to witness, starting May 19th of that year. Here are a few bullet-points from my hypothetical review:

*There will soon be thousands of toys in local stores, tied-in to this "Star Wars" movie. DO NOT open them. Put them in a safe, dry place. You will be able to sell them for big bucks to the kids who grew up actually destroying theirs for backyard re-enactments of their favorite scenes, on something called "eBay". You'll be tempted to cut-up the backers to send away for a Boba Fett action figure that fires a rocket, but it will never be made.

*Some of you will become zealots--obsessed with all things "Star Wars". You will argue endlessly about minutiae from the upcoming films, on what will be called "The Internet".
You may be tempted to even dress up as the characters for weddings and further movie viewings. This may be perceived as odd.

*Start composing letters to a man named George Lucas right now! Tell him to let other directors helm what he'll call Episodes I and II (he does OK with Episode III). Also, remind him that he originally planned to do nine movies, so he shouldn't wait 15 years between trilogies! This will allow him to do Episodes VII, VIII and IX before he's 60 years old. Also, have him make a mental note--Just Say "No!" to Jar Jar Binks and Howard The Duck.

*Invest money in future companies called Lucasfilm Ltd., ILM and Kenner (eventually Hasbro). Remember those names. Also, buy tons of Apple computers and products. This may speed up the development of something to be called an iPod, which is to become the ultimate invention and may lead to the fall of Darth Gates.

*Write to Mel Brooks, and suggest that he parody this "Star Wars" phenomenon right away vs. waiting ten years.

*Do not be tricked into buying four or five versions of the same movie on five or six different formats (examples: VHS, Beta, Laser Disc, DivX, DVD, BluRay DVD)

*A quick fashion note: Think twice about wearing brightly striped shirts with brown, red or green pants--the resulting photos of you with this garb will be a bit garish. Maybe suggest black and white film to your parents. Also, don't buy the Kodak disc camera--it's evil.

*Keep your Star Wars pajamas far, far away from candles and other flames.

*If you think you have an idea for an awesome movie, become a director and make it happen. Do not become one of the thousands that fling themselves on the Internet and writhe around, moaning about the lack of good Hollywood films. Unfortunately "Star Wars" will become the template for a money-making motion picture.

May The Force Be With YOU


Blogger jon said...

We are trying to find good movie rating to take the kids this weekend. Good movie rating reviews are hard to find

I just stumbled onto your blog while looking. Seems to happen to me a lot since I am a knowledge mooch LOL


4:30 PM  

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