Friday, November 20, 2009

Lessons Learned From Life On The Road

Spending roughly 400 minutes on the road every week allows
me to learn from the "professional" drivers. I'm grateful for
their teaching:

Lesson 1: It's always a good time to make sure your brakes work

Someone is waiting to turn onto the roadway, perhaps
50 yards ahead. The rear view mirror shows no one
behind me. The seconds tick by, "1, 2, 3..." and
the driver pulls out right in front of me.

Conclusion: My brakes do work! Thanks for helping me test them!

Lesson 2: The highway is like a NASCAR track, just less

I'll be on the highway, and see in the rear view mirror
a fellow motorist weaving back and forth, gaining one
car length with each acceleration. If I was a trained
NASCAR driver like them, what would I do? I've lost
contact with my pit crew. Drats! That police officer
pulled them over for their autograph.

Conclusion: The rookie never wins.

Lesson 3: Drive really close behind someone so they can see
you more clearly.

Boy, that motorist behind me sure has bright headlights.
I'm glad they're not in my blindspot. Maybe if my car
stalled they could push me to safety at a moment's
notice. If my dome light didn't function the illumination
could help me read a map.

Conclusion: Don't utilize Lesson One here unless you're a
certified road rules instructor. When they do
eventually pass follow suite to demonstrate your
knowledge of Lesson 3, perhaps using high beams
for effect.

Lesson 4: A "Yield" sign doesn't count if you're late, you have
to use the restroom or your life is more important
than other motorists'.

With countless construction sites strewn all over the
highway, it is confusing to "Yield" when the sign is posted.
It is easier for everyone if a motorist just enters the
roadway when they want to. It saves them time, and also
reinforces Lesson 1.

Conclusion: Yield signs are make-believe, like Global Warming,
dinosaurs and Thank You notes.

Lesson 5: I don't use turn signals because you should know
when I'm turning and where I'm going. I'm "thinking"
at you right now...

Telepathy is a better alternative to turn signals. Some
people forget to turn their blinkers off--that shows how
ineffective they are. Don't you see what kind of car I'm
driving? I can turn when I want to, because I probably have
better lawyers and insurance than you. If I'm two lanes away
from my exit, my sense of entitlement allows me to cut
across the freeway and get to my destination. My phone
is in my left hand, I'm driving with my right--don't you see
me looking to the right. That means I'm going to turn to
the right--how simple, and no turn signal needed. If you're
waiting to pull out on the street, and I have my turn signal
on, this is a test of your telepathic skills. See, I didn't
turn, you pulled out in front of me and now I'm picturing my
lawyer. See how importantly I silently bluster? How I have
to draw my cellphone away from my face, in order for my mouth
to contort into a "WHAAAAATTTT THE" shape.

Conclusion: Until you develop advanced telepathic skills, you
should probably carpool with others, or take a cab.

What lessons have you learned recently?