Driver's Edge

Commuting back and forth from Grand Rapids and
Holland has brought the harsh reality of modern
driver's training into focus for me.

Some new rules of the road that I've noticed:
*Turn signals are out--blindspots are in.

*A 4-way stop means--you stop, then go, no
matter your time of arrival at that juncture.

*Doctors and dentists have bought cars with
headlights ported over from their examining
rooms (eye doctors have handheld versions). These
lights probably beam through aluminum and fiberglass
when they're switched to "high beam". When viewed
in a rear view mirror, there is a risk of
temporary blindness or retinal bleeding for
the focal driver. Maintain a minimum distance
of a foot behind your fellow drivers, to increase
business for the medical profession.

*To "merge" now means forcing your way into
traffic at any cost. If road rage ensues,
utilize driving within a few feet's distance,
along with the doctor's headlights mentioned
above.

*If an extremely expensive stereo system is
installed in your car, it is illegal to listen
to classical music.

*Never fully stop your car, for fear that Newton's
Law may stop working. If you appproach an
intersection or turn, keep your proverbial "foot
in the door" to show others you could easily
intersect their path.

*At a traffic stop, Yellow is now Green, as is Red
if you are more late or important than your fellow
drivers. You can also decide to turn in front
of oncoming traffic when the light changes to Green,
to improve your cellphone reception.

*If pedestrians get in your way, especially in
parking lots, lunge at them and motion vigorously
showing them you have airbags and they don't.

*If yellow lines are present on the pavement,
treat them like suggestive graffiti.

If a handicapped spot
exists, use the "Finders, Keepers" motto.

*If a fellow driver is waiting for your
spot at the gas station, go inside instead
of paying at the pump. Look around the
store for awhile, talk to the clerks,
complain about the coffee, peruse all the
papers on the stand, and then shrug when
climbing back into your vehicle 30 minutes
later.